How to Waste Money in Therapy
Therapy can be life changing, if you take the actions to make change possible. But with a few mistakes, it could also be a waste of money and time. While some of the life-changing effects of therapy are about the quality of the therapist, so much of what makes therapy work is what you bring to it. In my ten years of experience as a therapist in downtown Hamilton, I’ve come to learn some common mistakes that clients make in therapy, usually because they don’t know what to expect from therapy, what their responsibilities are as the client, or because they want to be polite. While I do my best to address these situations with clients as we begin a therapeutic relationship or when I think these challenges are arising, it can be helpful for clients to review how therapy works best ahead of time.
Want to Waste Money in Therapy? Then Don’t Have a Goal
Some goals are achievable through therapy and some are not. To make therapy effective, you must identify what you believe the therapy is supposed to do. Many people say their goal in therapy is to “become happy”, which is not something therapy can achieve. Feelings come and go. Good therapy is about learning to live in keeping with your values while those feelings come and go. If you don’t have a goal, then your therapist will likely ask questions about what a better life could look like. If you can come prepared with an idea of what you want to achieve, goal-setting in early sessions can be much more efficient. Also, having a defined goal allows both you and your therapist to track progress and adjust. Without a goal you might end up not knowing when it is time to end. Goals often evolve over time, so don’t feel pressured to have everything figured out right away, but do start your journey with some questions about where you want to go. Here are a couple ways to start setting a goal for your work:
Identify What Is Not Working In Your Life
Before you can make meaningful changes, it’s crucial to recognize what is causing distress or holding you back. Is there an action you keep repeating even though you know it doesn’t lead to a result you want? Is there a series of thoughts and feelings that you can’t seem to shake? By identifying these challenges, you and your therapist can explore how they developed and what strategies can be used to address them.
Imagine Life Without “That” Obstacle In Your Life
One excellent starting place in therapy is the miracle question: If the problem you are describing was miraculously gone, what would you do next? How would you interact with others? What would you be able to accomplish? What actions would someone else see from you that otherwise feel impossible? Visualizing this better version of your life not only helps you set clear goals but also makes change feel more tangible and achievable. Therapy will not be a miracle that removes that obstacle, but therapy will be more helpful if you start to identify how you want to be outside of just obstacle free.
Think of Actions You Would Like to Take
What would you do differently if you had more flexibility to hold what life was throwing at you? Would you set boundaries, communicate more openly, or develop new coping mechanisms? Is there something bigger than yourself you would want to be a part of? Identifying the behavioural goals can give you a focus for your work rather than relying on your therapist to identify what a good life for you would be.
Don’t Set the Goal of Being Happy
Happiness is an emotion, not a permanent state of being. If you set a goal of simply “being happy,” you may end up feeling frustrated when you experience natural ups and downs. As a therapist, there have been many happy moments I have seen in my clients, but all of them are temporary. Truly successful therapy is about adding meaning to life, not producing a feeling. If you really feel like your goal is being happy, tell your therapist that and have a conversation about what you think would make you happy. A good therapist can help you move towards setting behavioural goals that are meaningful, which may be what you are truly after in therapy.
Want to Waste Money in Therapy? Then Lie to Your Therapist
Therapy is at its core a relationship where you can get out what you put in. Lying to your therapist means you will miss out on all the opportunities that being vulnerable and speaking the truth of your thoughts and situation will give you. Therapy is most effective when you are completely honest with yourself and your therapist. This can be difficult at times, especially when addressing painful or deeply rooted issues, but honesty is essential for meaningful progress. Here are some tips to be honest to get the most out of therapy:
Say "I Don’t Know" When You Don’t Know
There may be moments when your therapist asks a question that you don’t immediately have an answer for. That’s okay! Instead of feeling pressured to provide an answer, simply admitting “I don’t know” can open the door to deeper exploration. It makes the process more about exploring than proving to the therapist you are smart. It’s okay to be unsure about your thoughts and feelings—therapy is a process of discovery. When a client says “I don’t know” or “I don’t get it”, I, as a therapist, get excited! This is the moment of insight and discovery and often leads to some of the most important work
Admit When Things Are Not Working
If something about therapy doesn’t feel right—whether it’s the approach, the therapist’s style, or the pace of progress—it’s important to speak up. If you try an exercise and you know what your therapist wants the result of the exercise to be, but it just isn’t happening, say so. Often, a review of what we are working on or an exploration of why something didn’t work can lead to great discovery. I don’t do this job to have someone tell me I’m right or doing a good job in helping them solve their problems. What I really want to hear is when there is a difference between what a client was expecting from therapy and what they feel they’re actually getting, because that gives me the chance to be more helpful. You’re paying for this service; don’t waste money protecting your therapist from feeling rejected.
Let Your Feelings Show Up in Session
Suppressing emotions in therapy limits progress. Allow yourself to experience and express your feelings, even if they seem messy or uncomfortable. If you feel like crying, let yourself cry. If you feel angry, talk about it. I will sometimes pause when someone is crying, and sometimes we will keep talking. In therapy, we are not trying to remove the emotions you feel. Instead, we are trying to work with them. If you are crying or angry or afraid in session, it may mean you are getting closer to being able to experience that same emotion in a more healthy way when you are outside of therapy.
Want To Waste Money in Therapy? Then Don’t Practice Skills In Between
Real growth happens not just during therapy sessions but in the time between them. Many therapists will ask you to do specific tasks between sessions. These are often awkward or uncomfortable. Even if you don’t do the practice tasks assigned between sessions you might still feel relief in the therapy session. Having someone listen and developing understanding of your own thoughts and feelings in a conversation can be helpful. But, if all your progress happens in session while nothing is being practiced between sessions, the chance of a meaningful change gets much smaller.
If It Isn’t Clear What Your Therapist Is Asking You to Do, Ask
Sometimes, therapists suggest exercises or reflection practices to work on between sessions. If you’re unsure about what is expected, ask for clarification. If your therapist isn’t pointing you towards things to be doing between sessions, ask them to make some suggestions.
Try the Things Suggested, Especially If They Make You Uncomfortable
Therapists often recommend strategies that push you out of your comfort zone. If a suggestion feels challenging, that may be a sign that it’s worth trying. Growth happens in facing discomfort and taking action despite it. Try to be open to experimentation. How can you experience change if you keep doing the same thing you’ve always done?
Keep a Record of What You Are Doing
Keeping a journal of insights, emotions, and actions taken between sessions can be a powerful tool for self-reflection. Documenting what you try, what works, and what doesn’t can provide valuable feedback for both you and your therapist. Over time, you may begin to notice patterns and track your progress in meaningful ways.
Closing thoughts
Therapy can be expensive both in terms of money and time. If you don’t want to waste these precious resources, I strongly recommend being clear with your goals, being honest especially when it is uncomfortable, and doing the practice between sessions. If you have questions about getting started in therapy, reach out; I’d be happy to talk about how to get the most for you from your investment in this process.
- Scott
